Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
