You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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