Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
