do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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