Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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