my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
