Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
