Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
