U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
