I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
