I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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