i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
