I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
