He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
