He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
