And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
