im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
