I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
