last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
