My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
