sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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