I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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