dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
