Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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