seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
