How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
