Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
