Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
