just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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