Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i think my cat just said my name.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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