dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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