I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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