So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is wine microwaveable?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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