Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
