Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
