we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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