Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
