His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
