i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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