glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
