you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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