There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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