So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
