You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
