He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she told me i tasted like america
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
