Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
