I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I faked an abortion last night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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