I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
