Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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