Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
