Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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