I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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