my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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