When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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