I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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